Are you a car talker?
Three weeks ago I was 45 minutes into a coaching call with a coaching client - we were exploring how often she was making a co-workers' reactions or emotional responses WRONG, simply because they are not reacting in the same way she would react.
I could personally relate to the magnitude of surprise and judgement. At that moment a distant memory flooded into my head - about a time when I "not so consciously" made my husband WRONG for not being just like me. I remembered early in our relationship, and much to my surprise and judgement, discovering that my husband, Steve, is not a "car talker".
It was about 11 years ago, and my then-boyfriend, now-husband Steve and I were taking a road trip. We were still in the stage of our relationship where we were getting to know each other - our moods, modes of operation, quirks etc. So there we are cruising down the highway, and I am chatting up a storm. I LOVE talking in the car - I have a captive audience!
About five minutes in, I realize the only responses I am getting from Steve are "yea" and "mmhmm". So I stop and I say "are you even listening to me?", and he responds with "Oh, sorry. I was thinking about a new algorithm for work and completing some computer coding in my head". Steve, being the engineer that he is, was actually using the quiet time in the car to think about new ways to solve a technical problem he had at work.
Now, when I first heard this, I was shocked. How does one even do such a thing in their head? And, why NOW?! Can't we just have a conversation?
I now realize and acknowledge that just because I am a car talker, that does not mean Steve needs to be a car talker too. Yet, there I was making him wrong for not wanting to talk with me, instead focusing on a work problem in his head.
I share this story with you for two reasons ...
I am curious to hear if you are a car talker?
To invite you to join me in inquiry - In the last 30 days when/where have you made someone's emotional response wrong, simply because it did not match your emotional response? What is/was the impact of the immediate judgement or surprise to their reaction on TRUST ? Are you willing to consider another point-of-view?
Courage always,
