The Day I Made a Courageous Request
Two weeks ago I reached a point of overwhelm. It was a Tuesday afternoon - another day of working in my home office, just out of sight of my young boys (4 and 1.5 years old), yet very much within earshot of everything and anything transpiring. By the time my oldest son had his third meltdown with the Nanny that day, I was nearly at my limit. My shoulders were tense, my head throbbed, and my body was on 'high alert.’ Something HAD to give, I just had no idea what!
Fortunately, that Tuesday was also the day I had a coaching call. My coach said, "Allie, sounds like it is time to make a courageous request, and reach some new agreements."
You see, my husband also works from home. His office is in the basement - miles and miles away from all the action. The noise canceling headphones he wears only serve to further isolate and shield him from craziness up above.
I quickly realized in my coaching conversation that I was settling for working upstairs, and that my attempts at coexisting with the chaos were to no avail. At the end of the day I was not being my best self for my husband or my boys; my patience was thin, my tolerance for voices was low, and my desire for quiet was overpowering.
The fascinating thing was that my husband had NO clue that I was struggling. He had no idea that I was attempting to work a full time job while at the same time homeschooling, drying tears and restoring the peace, or pausing to answer the neverending questions of a toddler: “Are you done working yet, Mommy?” – My son… every day… 5x an hour, starting at 9:00AM!
Yes, we have a Nanny (thank the heavens), and it was impossible for me to fully disconnect. I could not disengage.
Herein lies the problem - I was not authentically sharing my daily experiences with my husband. He had no idea what was occurring on the main floor of our house, and that was on me. I was not sharing with him, because I fell into the trap of running over-responsibility. I didn't want to burden him, and it was easier for me to take care of him then to take care of myself. As a result, I could feel resentment start to build inside of me. That was on me.
Which leads me to a second problem - I was not putting myself first and was unwilling to take on the discomfort of making a request to my husband for some desperately needed help. So, my coach brought up an idea - what if we traded places one day a week? What if I worked from the basement office, and my husband worked from the upstairs office? My first reaction was "HECK NO - I could never ask him to do that!" It is so much easier to make him feel OK and just deal with the daily distractions.
Ultimately, I chose to embrace the discomfort. Over dinner that night, I made a courageous request to my husband. I slowed everything down and shared my experiences of working from the main floor of the house with my husband. I acknowledged that I had not been honest with him, and in fact, I was starting to lose it in ways that were not helpful to me or my family. I requested that one day a week we trade places and swap work stations. He was ALL IN. And now every Wednesday is basement day for me, while my husband mans the ship upstairs!
Some of you may be reading this and thinking "Geez Allie, that was such a simple request." You're right - it was. And yet, I was getting in my own way and allowing the discomfort I might feel in making a request stop me.
So, slow down and look ... Is there an area or situation in your life where you are settling or tolerating the status quo? Where might you be able to make a courageous request? Who is it with? Are you willing to join me and get on the leadership COURT?
Courage always,
